Are you parenting with consciousness?

I have been thinking a lot lately about two words, consciousness and ethics, and how they relate to parenting . . . they are both words that have been used a lot lately with parenting, so I wanted to explore the meaning and relate that to what I believe and think about parenting.

So first, let's look at what both of these words mean.

Consciousness

To be conscious is to be aware and deliberate, to be fully active and awake to ones own existence, sensations, thoughts, surroundings, etc.

So, as a parent, this means that you would put thought into how you parent, you understand yourself and what you do would have purpose and meaning -- not just be something you did blindly and without forethought.

Ethical

Pertaining to or dealing with morals or the principles of morality; pertaining to right and wrong in conduct.

So, to parent with ethics would mean that you knew what your parenting principles were, that you had a clear sense of what was right and wrong to you and that you instilled morals into your parenting.

No easy task, but I feel that this is the way we must be moving as parents. In a world that seems so disconnected and selfish, isn't it right that we, the leaders of the next generation raise our children with ethics and consciousness?

I have come to believe lately that there are two purposes in parenting, two things that we as parents are here to do, and that is to raise children with conscience and character. These two things alone will stand any child in good stead and could change the world.

So how do we do that?

I think that firstly, we must focus on what our children will become, not what they will do. We focus as parents far too much on what our children will do when they grow up, rather than thinking about who they will be. Some parents will go to great lengths to ensure their children get all they need to get a good career, yet spend little time thinking about their character. We seemed to think that character is something that is maintained in our children and we only have to do a few things to keep it. It is not! It is something that is built from scratch and we, as the parents, are the main teachers. Instead of thinking of what type of job or career we want our children to have, we should start thinking of the values we want them to have, of the morals we want they to abide by and of the character traits we want them to possess. When we start thinking of character instead of career, we can make different choices.

Let me give you an example here. I am asked a lot whether we should offer bribes or rewards to entice our children to get good grades and my answer in always no, (in fact I spoke about this on Woman's Hour). People appear shocked that I feel that way and think that actually bribing their child for a short while to give them the best start in life is surely no problem. However, I believe that what is more important than passing exams are learning dependant, self-directed study (a character trait) and therefore the question is a no-brainer for me. Does bribing produce a character trait that you want to see in your children? I am sure most of you would answer no to that one -- after all we don't want our children to only work when a carrot is dangled in front of them, do we? We want them to love learning new things, to be self driven and self motivated, right? So why do we blindly do the opposite? I have coached so many teenagers in higher education who are really struggling because they have not learnt the art of self-motivation because, yes you got it, their parents bribed them into passing their exams.

We must understand that parenting is a job and a very serious one at that. It is an action to take and a change to make in our children minds, hearts and wills. It is not blindly giving in to everything just because we want an easy life or the Joneses up the road have one. It is about treating every interaction as a learning opportunity, as a chance to influence our child's mind. heart and wills in a positive way. Let's face it; what ever we do we are having an influence so let's make sure that it is positive. Now I understand, I really do, how easy it is to give in to our child's smiles, tantrums, strops, door-slamming, it is so easy to do the quick fix easy response. However, as parents we are leaders of our children and we must do what is right, not what is easy. We must put our child's welfare and their future character above their smiles and whining. We must support them in understanding that conscious decisions should not be made on feelings alone and that their strong wills and desires should not have us cave in. The more we give in to their every whim and want, the more we teach them to not use rational though and reason; they just know the feeling of wanting and have it met, there is no conscious choice, just a strong feeling or desire. If we don't teach them in early life to think consciously and not give into to desire, then how on earth are they going to make good choices when it comes to drugs, sex and morality?

We must let our children solve their own problems. We cannot step in all the time and solve them for them or distract them; we must not be scared to allow our children to feel pain and discomfort and be miserable for a while. I see all the time parents stepping in to make their children feel better, it is almost as if we have forgotten that sadness and pain are all part of what moulds us and makes us better human beings. To not allow our children this luxury is denying them of an important life lesson. So, instead of stepping in because we as the parent may not like to feel pain, we need to ask our children how they are going to solve their own problems, what they can do about it. Yes sure, we can support if support is needed but we must stop solving their problems or distracting them from the feelings.

We must replace escapism with realism. For children nowadays, what is real? They appear to be so wrapped up in nasty worlds that involve video games, mobile phones, MSN; I mean when do they really have real conversations and interactions anymore? Children nowadays look up to celebrities and the entertainment industry with magazines full of their antics. Materialism and greed appear to have replaced kindness and sharing. There is a great quote that says, "If kids have no heroes, they will follow clowns". I am not passing judgment here, but where are the heroes? Are they in OK Magazine, are they in the video games, or are they in the countless teen movies? Even our sporting heroes are now becoming celebrities in their own right. We must, as parents, show our children a balance; we must have real conversations with them and talk about real life and real heroes. We must make sure that they have a balanced viewpoint of our own lives; if all they see is us coming home from work, relaxing and watching TV with a bottle of wine then they will they not believe that escapism is all we do. We must not protect them from real life; we must share with them our hopes, fears, highs and lows. We cannot sugar-coat everything. After all, life is not sugar-coated, is it? We cannot always give in to the latest technology craze and be happy that our children spends hours in a virtual world; we must talk to them about life and ensure that they live in the real world, not in a life that is a fantasy and cannot exist.

Comments

[pooja]

hi,,
interesting article...
thanks for sharing... :)
Often it’s the case with parents themselves who do not realize who they are and what they want to become in life.
It’s parents who are often not clear of what they are looking forward to achieving from life and this tradition of not being conscious of one’s own personality and desires is often passed on to children.

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